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- 35 DOs and DON'Ts of a Gay Leather Bar
- A word of warning from Alex Cheves.
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- Learning leather bars is different from learning life outside the closet. Read about it below..
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35 DOs and DON'Ts of a Gay Leather Bar
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A word of warning from Alex Cheves.
Leather Cop Leathers Up. Smoke in constricted jeans and dainese biker leather jacket. Some, like me, wore almost nothing. Every body type was on display. Large folks of every gender strutted jockstraps. Skinny kinksters slinked through in latex. Countless guys like me — guys who work out but still eat donuts, who keep their beards trim and bellies natural — felt confident to lose shirts and more. The lovely thing about my hometown leather bar — and about leather bars across the world, and about the communities they serve — is the invite for everyone of every size. Different bars and clubs have different policies — some require gear, some require you to get through a selective doorman, some are male-only — but these are few.
Most are open to all kinky people, and kinky people come in every shape, size, gender, and color. Come as you are. In many leather bars, you can get by in jeans and a t-shirt. Some are more intense, catered to people actively in the scene who know fetish wear, and require you to meet dress code to get in the door. Find out beforehand if certain gear is required. Gawking may be one of two things: Try not to gawk, if you can help it. You might see many different body types in little or no clothing. You might see someone getting paddled, flogged, or fisted.
He has a partner, owner, daddy, handler, committed boyfriend, master, or sir. Behave accordingly. If you get touched and are simply a voyeur not there to play , gently push their hand away — and if you have to do this a lot, leave. Some leather bars go a step further and have a sling room, or have some sex furniture available, and will likely have low light so you can see well enough to use it. You may attract an audience, which some consider part of the fun. Many leather bars have demos for various kinky sex acts.
The last one I attended was a needle play demo. This was delivered by a professional on an experienced sub. I was filled with questions — so was everyone else. When the pro was ready to take our questions, everyone raised hands. We were gathered around a man lying belly-down on a table with needles inserted through pinched layers of skin down his back.
Needle play — a lesser-known kink — requires expert-level skill and certain precautions gloves, sterilized needles, and so on to be enjoyed with a degree of safety. Other kinksters will be there, some with more experience than you, some with less.
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Between their questions and yours, most questions will get answered. Listen to what others ask.
Thank the demonstrator. This is how kinks, particularly niche ones, are handed down. Leather bars are implicitly more sexual, because they cater to a community that defines itself by the sex its patrons enjoy. You should never touch someone without their permission — this is a rule of life and is true The only circumstance where this rule gets challenged is in a lights-out space made for anonymous play — spaces which exist in some leather bars, gay sex clubs, gay bathhouses, and so on.
In these spaces, you waive a degree of consent by entering them, and consensually submit yourself to being touched by people you cannot see. This is why we enjoy these spaces. Sure, on some dance floors, with some substances, people get touchy-feely. If someone is tied and gagged and being led around via collar and leash, ask the person holding their collar.
Consent gets nonverbal in situations like this. At first glance, kinky sex spaces make consent murky. In all other circumstances, never touch someone without their permission. This is the fine line between consensual sex play and assault. The kinky community does not condone assault and never will.
You may get touched, but sex is different.
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You assume these risks by being there, and while they might seem threatening and uncomfortable, these risks are easier to navigate than you think. Other backroom etiquette pointers: In a lights-out space, a phone light can be blinding, and ruins the purpose of the space — anonymity. Keep talking to a minimum. This is for boot-worshipers, daddy-lovers, dominant-seekers, leather submissives, and so on. Be a good boy. They want it.
In an age when smoking areas are hard to find in any establishment in the United States, you will still find smoking patios or smoking rooms at leather bars — put there for cigar daddies and their human ashtrays. The cigar fetish is still raging in the world of kink cigarettes less so.